Sunday, September 25, 2011

AIDS test

I was walking near my office a week or so ago talking to a guy I work with on the phone when I saw an RV advertising free aids tests and free condoms. For whatever reason I interrupted our conversation and asked him if I should get an AIDS test. My rationalization was that it was free and people are always saying you (collectively) should get tested. Anyway, really my rationalization was that it was free, free condoms, and it said UPenn on the back so it was at least reputable.
I hang up with my friend and head over to the RV. There were two youngish people outside of the RV with clipboards and UPenn polo shirts on taking information from people. When I say people, I really mean they are just standing there about to take information from me. I tell them I am interested in getting tested so they take some basic information; name, address, age etc. The dude is then like, alright lets get into the van and get some more information and get you tested. Opens the door and I step in.

The place is a dump. I almost backed out as soon as I walked in. I was more scared of getting AIDS at that moment than I had ever been in my entire life. It wasn't set up like a clinic or anything. It was literally just a regular RV inside. Brown velor seats, brown carpet, kitchenette, living room, bedroom. It was like an RV you'd see in bad porn. The kind where they pick up the chick off the street somewhere. The guy is like "have a seat." I almost said "that's okay". I was wearing my good work clothes. Didn't want to get dirty. To give you an idea how dirty it was, there were burger king paper bags on top of the oven. I was beginning to think this was a bad idea. Now I was 99.9 percent sure I didn't have AIDS, but now I was second guessing if I was mentally prepared if this was going to be the day I was going to be told I have AIDS. And was this the way I wanted to be told? In a dirty RV by a guy I am pretty sure isn't even close to being a doctor parked on the corner of the gayborhood? Anyway, I told myself that it'd be okay and went through with it.

The guy proceeds to tell me what he is going to be testing me for today. "We're going to draw some blood and test you for AIDS and Chlamydia" (i think he said chlamydia, but he named a bunch of stds and I wasn't really paying attention...all of the ones you have ever heard of) "And we are going to do a urine test that will test you for basically everything else." As he is telling me this, a stoned homeless guy comes in asking for a pee cup. The guy gives him his cup... tells him to walk back there and "just fill it up a little bit" That's when I asked if I could just do the blood test. No way was I going back there where this guy just went.

Anyway, he proceeds to ask me all these questions about my sex life. Or lack of sex life. That's when I realized I live a boring life. He was asking me about things I would have never even thought of doing or even knew people did. Pretty sick stuff. He takes my blood, and drips a little into this little plastic device that looks like a pregnancy test. I say "that's pretty cool that you can get the results in ten minutes... I would have thought you would have to wait a while for lab results." "yeah man, it's crazy right...remember when it used to take three weeks?" "Nah. Like I said, this is my first time getting tested."

Alright, now if you head back over there so and so will give you your results. I started getting a little bit nervous at this point. She asks me more sexually explicit questions and then quizzes me on how much I know about STDS. Turns out I got all but one question right but I intentionally got that answer wrong. (you can ask me about that one personally) She goes through a list of questions: "have you ever paid for sex? No. Have you ever been paid for sex? No. "Have you been drunk or high in the last six months? Yes. Have you had sex in the last six months and been drunk or high? No. (it's been a while geez) Done cocaine? No. Done heroin? No. PCP? No. Syrup? No...wait. Syrup? Syrup is dangerous? Wait, is that like.."No, we ain't talkin bout Aunt Jemima.." I was like oh damn, for a second I thought I could get an STD from syrup. Phew. No.. never even heard of syrup. wow. It was an eye opener.

Make a short story long, I am disease free. But as I was leaving the RV, I took two steps down and caught my shirt on the door latch and ripped my shirt sleeve a little. "Ah! damn it..." "Are you okay?" "Yeah, it's cool, I'm clean." She didn't really appreciate that joke.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

a tattoo

I've thought about getting a tattoo. Maybe not that seriously, but I'd definitely consider getting one. I think when it actually came down to it though, I'd chicken out. That shiz is for LIFE! Anyway I'm about to do a 180 here. I have noticed that when I get a zit, the zit only really occurs in the same two places on my face. It's bizarre. So I've had this zit for the past few days on my nose near the bottom of my eye. Kinda like where a tear would fall. So to diffuse the ugly zit that no one could avoid looking at if they talked to me, I made light of it at lunch the other day with the people I usually eat with at work. I asked them if they saw my new tattoo and pointed to the zit. And I said "yeah it's a tear. I killed a guy." And my astute colleague said, "isn't the tear usually on the outside?" I replied, "it is, but I killed a guy on the inside. No, not in prison. I killed him on the inside, Like, you know... I killed him emotionally, Broke his ass down."
I thought that was pretty good.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


Last weekend I was counting with my four year old nephew; Trying to teach him the ins and outs of why counting is important and trying to show him that the actual symbols of numbers mean something. I was noticing that he was counting to twenty pretty well but skipping thirteen, and getting fourteen and fifteen out of order, but if I pointed to 7 out of sequence without him counting he would just guess random numbers. That's when I realized he wasn't making the connection between the symbol and his counting. When he counted to 20 with no problem I'd say now count to thirty...and so on. I think it's funny though that we as a society have concluded that there is a point where counting doesn't really matter. So you know that after a billion is a trillion and after a trillion is a "whatever..I'm not really sure who cares." "Uh, I think that's enough counting... no need to learn anymore." See what I mean? I thought it was a zillion, or a gazillion. Turns out it's neither. It's a quadrillion you dummy.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Not gonna lie...

Not gonna lie... admittedly, two weeks ago I gave my dad a hard time about the popsicles he rescued from the hurricane. But, I ate one of those popsicles my dad rescued last night...and damn were they good! I was about to throw them out because they were taking up a lot of room in my freezer but noticed they weren't all that melted. Gave them the benefit of the doubt and now I see why my dad took desperate measures to bring them over to my house. And after the first one, I had a second one. Then I stopped there.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Mario and Luigi

I thought about a lot of weird things this weekend. I was thinking about Super Mario Bros. and how awesome those video games were. Mario 1 was pretty good minus the first player playing until he or she died. That always sucked for the number 2 player. Mario 2 sort of got a little ahead of itself. It was way too hard and had way too many flying boards. Mario 3 they pretty much nailed. Swimming levels were always the best. But I started to question the whole premise this weekend. Why did the princess want to 2 random plumbers to save her? What made the plumbers the most capable? And neither were all that good looking. But I thought it was kinda messed up that Luigi, Mario's best friend, would be Mario's wing man and help him rescue the princess, but if it happened to be Luigi's turn on level eight and he had the chance to win it, he would just be all shruggin his shoulders like, "sorry Mario.... you tiger now" and toss his plunger to him. Take her back to the castle... and you know. "Hey lou-weege?"

College Football

I'm not a big fan of college football, I just couldn't ever really get into it. I like football, just not really into college football, and I'm definitely not into it when it interferes with baseball season. I guess having a terrible high school football team and a terrible college team has something to do with my dislike. But I was thinking the other day that it would be fun to have an online university football league. I'm not talking about fantasy football. I am talking like real online universities playing each other like University of Phoenix vs Strayer University. And get people who actually virtually attend these schools play each other. Either in real life or Madden style with computer players. 11 dudes on tv with their playstation 2 controllers playing online football.