Washing

I was at a restaurant recently and saw the required "employees must wash hands before returning to work"  affixed to the mirror.  To me, that's just weird.  Why doesn't it just say "employees must wash hands, Patrons...eh, it's optional."

Indian Style

Apparently it's not cool to sit Indian Style anymore.  In schools they sit "criss-cross applesauce."  Which is fine.  I have said before that I wish they had a way to sit Italian style.  I'd sit that way all the time.  I don't see why anyone would be offended by naming a way to sit.  Unless it was all slouchy slob skank style.  But that wouldn't necessarily offend anyone but the person that was sitting that way.  It got me thinking about sitting Indian style.  Do you think Indians even liked sitting that way? It's not like it's a comfortable way to sit for any period of time.  Or do you think they were like "yo, Squannno...roll that log over here... I wanna get my lean back lounge on." 

awkwaaaard

A few weeks ago a saleswoman came into my office to do a lunch and learn for a faucet company she represents.  She was touting the benefits of the faucets; their durability, their good looks, all the good applications in which to use them, and especially the water saving characteristics.  As she was making a good example of the water saving characteristics, she told the story about her fifteen year old son taking all those long showers.  "He'll take these twenty minute showers  and I'll ask him why he takes so long, and he'll just say for the first ten minutes he's just standing there.  And so with this little plastic limiter, we saved 120 bucks a year."  I wanted to be like, "come on lady....seriously?  you just discredited everything you just said with that statement.  He was just standing there?"

Random thought about cows

My mind works in mysterious ways.  Don't ask me how I thought about this but... the other day I had a thought about cows... and how I bet the last 250 generations of cows have all been murdered.  So I made a small family tree.  Now just imagine this family tree multiplied by 200 times. It's messed up. Don't get too hung up on the accuracy of the family tree.  I realize it's very incestuous, whatever... I drew it in ten seconds not even looking at a cow for inspiration.  You get the idea.  It's a sad time for cows but they are oh so delicious.  Billions and Billions served.oh but that one survived... she became the head of laughing cow. The cow next to her was the spokesman for chik-fil-a.  murdered too

Another lost competition

my submission. look familiar?

the obvious, hands down winner.

my rejection letter.

My hometown of Collingswood is a great place to live.  Great little community with tons of things to do, great places to eat, and a great train line that connects us to Philadelphia at all hours of the night. So it was no surprise that when Reader's Digest sponsored a competition for the best community in America, the residents of Collingswood came together and got out the vote like they should.  Some 66,000 votes were cast which was good enough for 16th place in the country and $5,000 in cash for the town to spend it however they wished.  Our Mayor, to his credit, thought it would be best spent for an art piece in one of the town's parks.  They announced a competition, and were going to select three finalists to faceoff in an online vote and announce the winner.  Without sounding like some pompous ass, I thought I'd have a pretty good shot at winning it.  Nope. I got my rejection letter from the borough, and then to add insult to injury, ugh...nevermind.  I'm not a sore loser, but if I can't beat out that dragon, I think I should consider a different career path.  For more on the story, click here. This one hurt.

ambulances

You know how ambulance drivers never let the siren be anymore? Like they'll play little snippets of the siren when they go through an intersection or someone is in their way. Whoop whoop whoop... kinda like an arcade sound.  I was thinking about that the other day as an ambulance passed.  Like-what's that guy doing in there to make that sound? Are there little paddles on the steering wheel that he presses like he's changing the radio station?  Nah.  I picture him with DJ headphones on one ear and a little turntable next to him on the console between his seat and the passenger seat... whoop whoop whoop.... whupwhu---whhhhhhhup.  Get out the way! whuwhuuup!

E'er body in the club gettin' tipsy...

For being a rap song this is pretty tame.  If e'er body in the club's gettin' tipsy, it's a pretty lame ass bar... they just got a little tipsy and then they left... didn't want to drive home all dirty... had a big meeting in the morning.

Sir Lance A lot

Although some of my blogs are topical, most of them are just random musings of mine. This one is more topical.  Often I think I have a good point in the blogs I write.  (full disclosure, I write this blog for the three people that I think might be reading it) But the recent news you hear about Lance Armstrong is just silly.  Why we put athletes on pedestals or why we hold politicians to such a high standard is beyond me.  Yeah, when I was a kid I was obsessed with Lenny Dykstra. He was a seriously flawed individual and definitely not a role model.  Maybe sometimes I emulated him, but I never thought he was a necessarily good role model.  He chewed tobacco, he ate "magic vitamins" which were really steroids, he drove fast cars drunk, and he probably slept around a lot and blew all of his money on much worse.  But I didn't like him for those things. I accepted him for his flaws. I just wanted to play baseball like him; steal bases, get hits in the clutch after fouling off a dozen pitches, make diving catches slamming into the outfield wall.  Those were the reasons why I loved him... and the fact that he just didn't care what anyone thought about him.  He even had a tougher time after baseball.
    So back to Lance Armstrong.  Sure, he probably did "cheat", and I am sure 100 percent of everyone else he ever rode against in the Tour de France cheated as well.  That doesnt make it right, but maybe it levels the playing field.  I am not being cynical, I really think 90 percent of all athletes anymore are taking some kind of performance enhancing something or other, whether it's Cortisone shots, Creatine shakes, or some other kind of drug we've never heard of.  It's the nature of sports. Always has been and always will be.  I think if there was a performance enhancing drug for accounting or a performance enhancing drug for some other bullshit desk job people would take them all the time.  If it was the difference of making 30,000 bucks a year and a 300,000 bucks a year we'd all consider doing it. Our performance enhancing drugs are recreational.
The funny parts of this though, that recently people think they can just erase the past. Like actual events.  If they say it didn't happen, it didn't happen.  Just like Joe Paterno didn't really win all those games he really won.  Lance Armstrong didn't really win those 7 Tour de Frances.... I didn't really draw those buildings that I drew the last few years.
And the worst part... he is banned from the sport.  Banned from bicycling... the sport of bicycling. can't ride a bike... in a race. Aw man.. But I bet he can still ride his "bike" really fast if he wants to. Not allowed to race his kids on his bike... If I were him I would train really hard, do as many performance enhancing drugs as I want to and ride my bike as fast as I wanted to. Downhill! With wind at my back! and a Titanium frame!.....with no clothes on! ...and a jet pack!
On a side note, I thought of Donnie Jeffcoat the other day... from Wild and Crazy kids.  Most random thought I ever thought.  I can't believe he was still in my memory bank somewhere.

Karate

I never really had any interest in karate in my entire life except maybe for the ten minutes after I saw Karate Kid part one when I was six.  I recall "karatying" a tree in my front yard pretending to be Ralph Macchio in training.  But other than those ten minutes, and every time I put on a bathrobe, I never give much thought to karate.  But the other day walking home from work I saw a mother and a few kids getting picked up from karate practice. A few of the kids (the couldn't have been more than seven years old) had black belts.  I couldn't help but think how they could have black belts. If I owned a karate shop, I'd just give out black belts to everyone.  I mean why not.  It obviously doesn't mean anything.  If a seven year old can achieve the highest award in your sport there's something wrong with that.  I am pretty sure I could beat that kid's ass if he wanted to fight me. I wouldn't feel good about beating up a seven year old but if he attacked me first... you know...just sayin.  Pretty sure I would win the fight with no prior training.  I'd be all like Howard Dean! hiiiyaaaahhhh!!!

Indian Food

I was enjoying a nice meal recently at an Indian restaurant and got to thinking about all the stigmas people have with Indian food. Everyone has an opinion about Indian food.  I personally enjoy it.  I personally enjoy all food actually.  But I was thinking about when people change a baby's diaper and they're all like, "ewww, it looks like Indian food!"   Those people first of all are ignorant.  But then it got me wondering... When Indian people change a diaper are they just like, "Hey, this looks like food."

sketches

I'm not on the same pace I was last year at this time filling up sketchbooks but I am getting back into the swing of it and enjoying it.  I hope to keep doing a few a week. Here's a select few.  I've also posted a bunch recently to my etsy page. Yeah the quality isn't so good, that's why you should go to the etsy page.

Instagram addiction

In an effort to revive my blogging prowess, I'll post some snaps I've taken recently since my blog has gotten pretty stale.  I am probably like everyone else when it comes to Instagram.  You take a picture, Instagram it, then all of a sudden you are the best photographer since 1976.  Gettin' all nostalgic over a mediocre photo, that instantly becomes a classic; worthy of your greatest family album. I hate to admit it but I have a slight addiction.

It's been a while....

Nothing that funny has been going on but I thought I thought of something funny the other day while playing softball in my work softball league.  So we are pretty much at the bottom of the barrel this year.  We haven't won a stinkin game yet, and last week was our best chance.  We were facing the only other team that hadn't had a win yet.  We were up probably 8 runs in the last inning and just fell apart. Ended up losing on a walk off double.  Anyway, there was this one kid on the other team who was pretty ripped.  He even had the cutoff shirt to go with it.  (I don't advise, muscles or not, to ever wear a cutoff shirt) I was thinking to myself, "ah, sun's out, guns out" but he was pretty pasty white.  I was thinking maybe he only breaks out his "guns" in an indoor range.

insecure eagle

not so bald anymore! take that you haters!

HIGH IMPORTANCE

If you mark an email with high importance more than once a year, the second email you send with high importance goes to the bottom of my importance list.

Blind leading the Blind

There's a Center for the Blind not too far from my office so I always see random blind people (that sounds terrible, "see random blind people") with their tappin sticks.  This one guy today was tappin seriously hard. I could hear him from almost a block away.  He was really giving the sidewalk a good whack.  So I got to thinkin, as I always do.  Those sticks are designed so the blind person can feel their way around objects that are directly in front of them.  What if they made those sticks for people who were near sighted (people that cant see things which are far away.)  So the stick would just be extra extra long so they could "see" objects that are really far away. People could whack stuff half a block away. Could be pretty awesome.
I just thought this picture was funny considering the topic.

Spelling

I hate when this happens. I'm on the phone with a rep for a product and I have to ask her for her email address. She's all like "Ok, are you ready? It's A-A-L-E-X-A-N-D-E-R@suchandsuch.com" So I'm all trying to listen and write out this email address out while she's spelling it out. I finish and realize it's just a alexander. If your name is a basic word and not hard to spell, just say it. My email address is a-alexander @ whatever.com. Don't make me work twice as hard trying to listen to you. Just say the word. If my email address was spellitout.com I still wouldn't spell it out. Just an observation.

Walks

You hear about the Aids Walk, the Breast Cancer 3-day... How come you never hear about the Herpes Half Marathon... or the Gonorrhea Walk? Just sayin.

Luck O the Irish

The Irish have a lot of pride. I realized this when I went to Ireland. I personally thought Ireland was pretty depressing when I was there, but I never met nicer people than the Irish. You always hear about the luck of the Irish though. And it's always a positive spin. I never think of the Irish as being lucky though. Maybe Notre Dame got lucky in a few of their football games. All the other luck seems to be bad luck to me. The Irish Curse....the Potato Famine, all the snakes that St.Patrick got rid of, Notre Dame's basketball team. Kathy Ireland. The three leaf clover. I could go on and on.

AA

I've never been to Alcoholics Anonymous, but how come whenever you see it in the movies the first thing they do is say their name? "Hi, I'm so-and-so and I'm an alcoholic." There goes the anonymity. Ted Danson... he's anonymous.

Resolutions

I have a pretty talented graphic designer at my office, and I recently commissioned her to make me something cool. The last three years I have written a bunch of goals for myself to accomplish over the course of the year. Almost like a new years resolution, but some of them aren't really resolutions, just more like "things to do." I guess things to resolve to do. Okay, I guess they are just plain old resolutions like everyone else has. Anyway, the last three years I have just been writing them on a legal pad and crossing them off as I do them. Some may have been a little over ambitious, but I have been chipping at them. Like the first year I ran two races, and then the next year I thought I could run ten races. Too ambitious. Play golf ten times? Doesn't sound like much, but I really only like to play golf if I am missing work to do it. Ten rounds of golf is like a thousand bucks and ten vacation days. Not going to happen. Natalya, the graphic designer is obsessed with typography just like every other graphic designer, so I gave her the idea to make me something incorporating my goals for the year. I figured if I had something nice to look at it and hung it up in my crib I'd be that much more likely to get crackin' on these goals. I think it'd be awesome if she made me one of these every year for ten years. How cool would that be to see a decades worth of goals you achieved?! Hopefully the picture is big enough so you can see it. click on it and see if it works.

Pro Wrestling

The other night I had a revelation about professional wrestling. Yeah everybody knows it's fake. Well, almost everybody knows it's fake, and everyone at one point or another has watched more than 20 minutes of it at a time. I think 80% of my third grade journals were filled with different pro wrestling scenarios. As you can see by a different Mike Izzo's Youtube videos, Wrestling and Mike Izzos were very fond of one another in third grade. I should just stop there because that video is pure gold.
Anyway, I thought it be really ridiculous if you really got into a fight out on the streets and tried to attempt anything that real WWF wrestlers actually did. Imagine some guy wants to start some shiz with your girlfriend...and you are all grabbing him by his arm and swinging him around the bar... and you climb up onto the bar, wait til he comes close, then lift up his weary body onto the bar, twirl him around over your head and then do some kind of thing where he flies up in the air vertically and you both land on your back. Maybe you run back and forth between the bar and the wall to build up some power and then clothesline him. Do you think this could actually happen? Wrestling is more for dudes who want to beat someone's ass but don't really care if they win or lose the fight as long as they can get the dudes head between their legs somehow and slam them into the ground doing a suplex. Or is that a pile driver? I have no clue. DDT?

It ain't really Rocket Science

Do you remember hearing about the story of the two astronauts who were married and then the dude started having an affair with some other astronaut woman? It was a few years ago. And then the lady who was married to the dude went crazy and decided to kill the dude's mistress? But the twist in the story was that she drove from Texas to Florida non-stop to do it. IN A DIAPER!
So my question is, Do you think she ever had second thoughts about driving non-stop to KILL her husband's mistress? Or do you think she ever had second thoughts about wearing the diaper? I am guessing the killing part never crossed her mind, but I am sure she had some second thoughts when she was about to take a dump in her pants. "Oh no... oh no.... oh God. I can't believe I am actually doing this...I can't pull over now... but I do have my pull ups on. Maybe I didn't need to plan this right down to the diaper. Coulda stopped at the rest stop and not really lost that much time. Oh well, something to consider for next time."

Professional Athletes

Baseball season is right around the corner, and that's gotta be my favorite time of year. I am so anxious for the start of the season that I watched the Phillies 19 inning game where Wilson Valdez was the winning pitcher. (I watched from the 16th inning on, I'm not that pathetic.)
It got me thinking about professional athletes. With 162 games in a season I wonder how they keep everything straight. Does Ryan Howard go to Phillies.com to see what time his game is on Saturday? Or is it like little league where the coach passes out a photocopy with the schedule on it at the beginning of the year? It's like, "Players, please have your overnight bags and all your equipment on the bus THE NIGHT BEFORE the game so the equipment manager can load it. If your bag is not there by 8pm, you will NOT be able to play in Milwaukee! Your gloves and bats will be left behind! Game time is at 7:05 sharp! Be at Miller Park by 5:30 for batting practice. Lights out at one hour past game time! No exceptions! And positively no xbox!"

languages

Connolly is Irish for Cannoli.

American Idol

It's funny to think that at one point in our lives, we've all watched American Idol with at least one significant other. You can deny it all you want, but you watched at least 3 episodes in a row too.

Cauliflower Ear

I apologize to my devoted readers for not having posted in a long time. Not that much funny stuff has been happening in my life lately unfortunately. At least not stuff I could be writing about. But, Cauliflower ear is pretty disgusting, that's safe to say. Nice segue huh? I was thinking about that the other day while flipping the channels and seeing real wrestling on TV. Real wrestling to me is interesting. I have a lot of respect for the discipline those guys have in their training and their diets, and overall it's just a cool sport in that there is no equipment, just you and another person doing the most primitive fighting but with rules. When all the other sports die in popularity, there will always be wrestling.
But I think of those poor guys who get cauliflower ear. Apparently there is no cure. Or if there is a cure, these guys obviously don't know about it or they would have taken care of it. Might as well have a tattoo across your forehead that says "I wrestled" or "look at my ear." They wear it like a badge they can never take off. You never hear about broccoli ear.